Farewells. Closure. Peace.

When you hear the word closure, do you think “the end“ like I do? Admittedly I’m that person who needs a reason. I need to make sense of things in my mind. An overthinker, in every sense of the word, the search for closure can be painful at times, but sometimes it brings me to places I never expected to be.

One of the longest searches for peace started in June of 1985. I had finished up two years at the College of Saint Rose. I had a fabulous time on campus and met people I knew were chosen to be part of my journey. Here comes the “but“. I had THE best time and enjoyed myself. Sure, I learned and did manage to pull some good grades, BUT I did not apply myself anymore than I had to. I would breeze into classes and keep myself closed off most days. I can remember showing up to my computer class and someone saying “Are you ready for this?“. I said “ready for what?“. It was the class final and I didn’t even know. I chose not to know. My brain actually said on the way to this class “What am I going to use a computer for anyway?”. Please continue reading when you stop laughing. This is when I realized it was over. Well, then, and when I pulled into the parking lot of C.W. Post to start my Junior year that September. Thankfully my attitude changed, my grades improved, I picked up a part-time gig at GEICO, and started my new life.

Each month though the “what ifs” grew more intense. What if I had stayed at Saint Rose? What if I had applied myself more? Would I be better off? Did people think I was a loser for leaving? Years of what ifs. YEARS. This is how I function . I’m not proud of it but it’s me!

Months rolled on. School wrapped. I did well actually. I signed on full-time at GEICO and started to move up quickly. Management suited me well and I was happy with building teams who flourished together. We started a family after years of heartbreak from trying to conceive. Life was chugging along. Autism knocked on my door and pushed in with such force that it knocked me off my feet for a while. What ifs grew to proportions I never imagined. My brain swelled and swirled. A voice kept saying “what if you stayed?” more than than ever. Would I have been on a better path and more successful? It kept me up at night. I slipped into a depression and stayed there in the dark for a few years.

The dream started. Carrying a printed school schedule, I would wander through a school hallway. I’d glance in the classrooms and see my original college crowd and old high school buddies. Everyone was locked in and learning. No one saw me. I just kept walking around the hallways aimlessly and when I finally woke up, I felt like I was clutching a sweaty and crumbled schedule in my clenched fist.

My Jules chose Saint Rose for her Undergrad path. I was thrilled! She flourished and finished strong. I was determined to keep her going so that she didn’t walk away early like I did. We have a policy in my house where you don’t ever accept average. The tears flowed freely at her graduation. It was one of the proudest moments of my life!

A few months ago, we heard that Saint Rose was closing its doors. Finito. The end. What? There were so many questions and emotions running through my head. Yesterday Jules and I traveled back to campus for the official campus closing and blessing. I was anxious for days. My best friend asked why I was so anxious? At first, I couldn’t answer, but then the thoughts flowed. I never felt like I made it. I felt like that loser I made myself out to be all of those years before. She shook it off and said “I think we did well for ourselves my friend”. She was right – she always is!

So yesterday, I walked back onto campus with my head held high. I hugged the stuffing out of my first Saint Rose, friends – Robin and Mary Pat. All day I sat on the lawn and walked around with friends I had made as if zero time had passed. Magic was happening. Saint Rose had been a magnet which drew me in, just the way it was supposed to. I was meant to have each and every experience and meet every single person. Seeing these faces and meeting new ones was scripted to happen.

Each time I looked around yesterday or entered a building, I was reminded of every fun and even poignant moment I had while there. Whether it be waiting outside the men’s room at the Partridge Pub and drinking every guy‘s beer that put it down on the table next to us with Robin…Trying to make it back to your dorm by the time the sisters/nuns went to mass in the morning… or sprinting to the Camelot Room for 10 cent drafts. Every single memory I had came flooding back to me yesterday!

The last part of the day was a blessing of the sacred grounds of Saint Rose that was home for so many of us. We hugged and cried hot tears. I hugged Robin, Mary Pat, and Thom and said thank you for being a part of me forever.

Last night, it finally happened. The peace floated in on a cloud. What if I never met these people? What if Saint Rose was never in in the recipe for my life? Closure was not the end. It was an opening for light to come in and brighten my mind. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. There are things I need to work on (don’t we all?) Saint Rose has now closed, but this closure has created new beginnings that will last the rest of my lifetime.