The Anniversary That Never Left

It Still Happened

I’m big on anniversaries. Timelines in my life matter. I realize that’s not the case for everyone, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s part of the beauty of life. The things that carry weight for me might not carry the same weight for someone else. Differences keep life interesting. If we all thought the same way, the world would be painfully vanilla.

But there’s a difference between seeing things differently and dismissing how someone feels.

When someone discounts my feelings simply because they don’t feel the same way… well, that’s where I take issue. My feelings matter. Yours do too. Respecting that difference is part of being human.

Before I go further, a small housekeeping note. Much of what I’m about to say will remain vague and somewhat cryptic. Certain details cannot be discussed openly for legal reasons. But the emotions that have surfaced from this event cannot be ignored, and today feels like the right time to acknowledge them.

When I wake up tomorrow, it will mark three years since my life quite literally turned upside down.

I was driving to work that morning, just a block away from my home. Out of nowhere, a driver struck my Jeep and flipped it upside down. One moment I was heading to work like any other day. The next moment, the world was inverted and nothing would ever feel quite the same again.

To this day, I don’t know if I was unconscious or for how long. What I do know is that somehow I managed to unhook my seatbelt. Using a strange hand–hand–foot–foot crawl, I worked my way toward the door. A bystander—someone who must have been sent straight from Heaven—helped drag me out onto the street.

I still think about that person.

The specifics of the accident itself aren’t something I can discuss. What I can talk about is everything that followed.

Physically, I was fortunate. It could have been much worse. I sustained a traumatic brain injury, scattered focal matter in my brain, occipital neuralgia, nerve damage in my hand and right foot, and daily migraines that seem to park themselves behind my right eye. My brain is now monitored regularly through mapping for stroke activity.

But I keep going. That’s simply my nature. Surrendering to pain has never been part of my operating system.

And yes, people remind me constantly that it could have been worse.

“Be grateful you’re not dead.”

I am grateful. Beyond grateful. I know how close the margin was.

But gratitude and struggle can exist in the same space.

I still live with the reminders every single day. Loud sounds can make my heart race. Careless drivers can send me into a spiral. Night terrors make sleep something I dread instead of welcome.

And then there’s the spiritual side of it all.

For a long time, I believed God was watching over me that day. I even went to speak with the pastor at my church about it, hoping for some sense of understanding. His response was simple and flat: maybe I was just lucky.

That conversation hit harder than he probably realized. Add in the lingering feelings about how Jake was treated during his First Holy Communion, and somewhere along the way my connection to the Catholic Church quietly slipped away.

I suppose faith, like trust, can fracture.

The larger point in all of this is simple: just because an injury isn’t immediately visible doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Just because someone survives doesn’t mean they aren’t still fighting battles every day.

I was raised to believe you shouldn’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins. These past three years have reminded me just how true that saying really is.

Because of some of the reactions I’ve experienced, I’ve drawn inward. I’ve grown quieter. There are days when a “why bother” attitude creeps into my outlook on life.

I’ll still write. These blogs remain my outlet. But I rarely share the deepest parts of how I feel anymore.

After the crash, I was required to meet with a therapist. To be fair, some of the techniques helped immensely with the brain injury and navigating work again. I only missed three weeks because of brain swelling and vision difficulties. For that, I was grateful.

But when it comes to the emotional side of things? That switch feels like it was flipped off somewhere along the road.

I’ve learned a lot about people over these past three years—their reactions, their perspectives, their ability to empathize… or not.

And that’s okay. We are all different.

But somewhere in the middle of all those differences, you lost me.

Because the truth is this:

Part of me did die that day.

But the rest of me is still here… learning how to live with what survived.

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Author: KikiFikar

Kiki Fikar is a native New Yorker who is passionate about taking the day to day life we all experience and sharing it in her tales from Suburbia. She will often be found at the gym, writing snippets each day for future story lines, listening to her two children create their lives, and building the perfect beachfront home and writing retreat in her mind.

29 thoughts on “The Anniversary That Never Left”

  1. Yes, struggles and gratitude can survive in the same place. I hope in time you would fully recover from that horrible ordeal. Keep relishing anniversaries and other important dates in your life, these are more than points we’ve cleared in in time, they give our lifetime meaning and purpose. The connections we make are real. In contrast, the world is fortunate, you’re here to add more to that meaning. Thank you for sharing this my dear Karen.

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  2. Ok, first of all grateful you are here. I love to read your posts and I love to read your comments in mine.

    second of all…preach it sister….all feelings are valid and legit

    And thirdly…faith doesn’t have to do with any organized church. That priest is an idiot. God and faith are everywhere, not in a building.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. Oh wow, what a powerful piece Kiki! Yes, yes, remember this day. It’s a powerful reminder of what can go wrong and right all at the same time. And yes, so full of emotion. At least, I know I would be emotional about it. I would want time to stop. It wouldn’t listen to me, but I would want things to slow down so that I could process and take it all that has happened. We live in such a crazy world.

    I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’m sorry you didn’t get more a reaction from the priest. What a missed opportunity by him. My wife had something similar happen a few years ago. I don’t want to compare. It was a different situation, but the priest was caught up in the moment and failed to grasp the magnitude of a situation. It was a reminder that priests are just that . . . humans who sometimes get it right and sadly, sometimes don’t.

    “The larger point in all of this is simple: just because an injury isn’t immediately visible doesn’t mean it isn’t real.” This line really hit home. I feel like I say this a lot lately, but we don’t know the challenges others are facing. We need to give them and ourselves “grace” and peace. Finally, it’s great that you found your blog to create an outlet, to carry on, and to speak your truth. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

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  4. Please know this means everything to me. I’m so beyond happy our paths have crossed. Your creations are some of the best things I’ve ever read. It’s a gift.

    You give me comfort about the faith piece. That rocked me. It goes beyond that in I’ve seen him numerous times since our meeting and not once did he ask how I was feeling. So yes I must separate my faith from the person and establishment! Thank you for this!

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  7. Thank you for reading and listening! That makes me feel heard which is my point.

    Onward to create more blogs and explore other’s masterpieces!

    Thanks for your friendship Brian! 😁

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  9. This is beautiful. I’m so happy to connect with you here. You brought up a good point and memory. I was discussing this with my physical therapist one day and he said your theory about the Universe stepping in. If the accident didn’t happen we would have never met! How true.

    Let’s never stop creating and sharing here. Deal??

    ❤️

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  11. Thank you Kiki… that means a lot. But I learn from you too… that’s the beauty of this space. Different minds… different colors… and we all walk away seeing a little more than before. I appreciate you. ❤️

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  13. I am so sorry you went through all of this, and I am so sorry that the church was not more supportive and compassionate toward you. I know firsthand how the Catholic Church can be judgmental and fail to truly walk with people through their pain. But just like you say, you will keep writing, and keep in mind that God is also still writing. He is writing your story, and better and greater things are still to come. I am so grateful to be here when they do. Your strength and resilience are incredible, and your voice matters. 🙏

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  14. Karen,

    this is one of the most honest posts I’ve ever read. Of course, while I am so happy you survived that accident I can also understand the reasons behind why you’ve turned inward.

    All I will say to this is that you have bloggers here like myself that want to listen and want to understand what you have gone through and what your continuing thoughts on it are.

    You know, I am also very sensitive to sh*t drivers. I cannot be on the Belt Pkwy or LIE without having to tell myself not to get angry. and I hate hate hate the people that are driving recklessly and weaving in and out of traffic for social media likes. I’m digressing but I just want you to know I understand.

    the take away I want you to have from this is that there are people here that will listen. I was fortunate to have come from a group of blogging friends that were empathetic and patient in both their words and understanding – that’s why I am the type of blogger (and person) I am now.

    I’m glad you’re taking it one day at a time, but know there are people cheering your progress on from the sidelines! Mike

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  17. Mike I am grateful for your friendship. We clicked from day one on our blog comments. I’m so happy you are on my path! I know you hear me. I hope you know that this works both ways. I too am here to listen should you need me!!

    BTW I grew up on the Belt having come from Bay Ridge Brooklyn. I now live near the LIE (directly off the 135). I know what you mean.

    Much love and respect!

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  18. Willie this is what I’ve been talking about when i mention my faith and why I’ve been walking away. This is the reason. I just have to separate who God is and why I love him vs how the church operates.

    Thank you for being in my corner! I’m so happy you are here! ❤️

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  19. I understand, Kiki. I really do. Sometimes the hardest part is separating who God truly is from how people in the church act. They don’t always reflect His heart the way they should. But your love for God is real, and that’s what matters most.

    Just know you’re not alone. I’m here for you, always in your corner. I’m really grateful you’re here too. 🙏

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  20. Oh, Honey, how I know where you are. I, too, was flipped upside down in the middle of downtown in my Fair City. While my injuries were not as severe as yours, my neck and head will never be the same and continue to worsen; it’s going to be a long road. But, you know what HASN’T worsened? My ability to get back into life, love others, move beyond the short-term horror of it all, and my Faith. God DID save you! And I promise with all that is in me, with each passing year you WILL be better! I promise it all gets better. The aches and pains of our poor little bodies may worsen, but our outlook on everything gets better with the passing of time. You’ll get there, just like I have, and you’ll turn around and be amazed. The skittishness lessens, peoples perception of us doesn’t matter one bit, and each day becomes more beautiful. Get all the therapy, blog it all out, and find a sweet little church to meld in to. 😉

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  22. I met with an accident in 2014 while driving back home from my office,got nine stitches in my head and my right shoulder was injured.
    Every year my daughters celebrate my Accident Anniversary to show how grateful they are to God for keeping me alive.
    I hope you would fully recover from the trauma accidents cause.
    God Bless You.

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  23. Wow, that’s quite a journey, Karen, and I for one am still glad your here, but sounds like there are many more 😉
    It must be a struggle sometimes, but you seem to be coping fairly well, good on ya 👏
    The Church thing? I’ve never been a supporter, to be honest. I think if there is a God, and there must be something, then as you say he’d be everywhere. God created Heaven and Earth, but man created Religion, there’s the difference for me. Keep on trucking, you’re an inspiration 😀

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  24. What a hard story to write! I can firmly say God was watching over you that day – there’s no just being lucky to it! Things like that do change us, whether it is visible or not. It changes everything from then on. Thankful you are here writing and that I get to read and support you through prayers and words as best as I can! This was a great, honest post – that is what makes great writing. Things that touch us deeply and the sharing is our outlet. Those that matter will hear and understand. It’s not always what you say, but what’s behind it. And that is what comes through!
    Keep writing – we’re listening! ~ Rosie

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  25. Rosie – thank you for this. I’m all teary. I write from the heart and will always deliver the true me even if I choose not to share my feelings here with those around me. My written words will always include my feelings.

    I was protected that day. No question about it. I made it through today driving through the accident scene four times. I still hold my breath each time but I did it!!

    Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing so much of yourself too! ❤️

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  26. Thank you so much Charlie. If I hadn’t walked away – I wouldn’t have found your writing! I can’t thank you enough for your kind words and commenting. It means so very much. ❤️

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  27. Oh goodness!! Thank you for sharing this with me. How horrible that accident must have been for you! I’m so glad you are here. Hug your angel girls for celebrating you. This makes me so happy! Glad we have connected! 😊😊😊

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  29. How I love everything you shared here. I’m so very sorry you were involved in a crash too. It is so scary. If I can ever offer you comfort by talking then please find me! My ears are open! I’m thrilled we found each other through our love of writing and how it heals us and others. Let’s keep sharing!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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