I hit the OnStar button and asked for directions home. The directions were delivered to my navigation screen. I gathered my thoughts, checked my mirrors, and eased into the neighborhood traffic. Anyone who knows me knows I absolutely PANIC without knowing where I am going. I shake and sweat when I’m driving and lost. I took a deep breath and muttered to myself “This was possibly the best party I have ever attended.” That is when the tears started. Then the sobs. Then the hot feeling you get in the back of your throat when you are crying the biggest tears ever. I think I cried for 2.3 miles according to my navigation screen. I looked in the rear view mirror to see myself smiling back. They were happy tears. Tears of joy? I smiled even more at my face in the mirror because I was so happy. The guy next to me at the light probably thought I was some narcissistic loon but screw him – yes, I was happy.
It was nearly 5 p.m. on a Sunday and I was on my way home from a Celebration of Life party for a lifelong friend who we just found out may not be with us much longer. We had a birthday party for her and sang. We ate yummy comfort food and ate all of the cake (which you know for me is out of my food prepping comfort zone). We laughed and took selfies with her and cried when she thanked everyone for coming and asked us to keep her memory alive for her girls forever. It was a sobering afternoon. In typical Kiki fashion, I started to blog in my head. I had to sort it all out. Putting words on the screen is what I do to snap the puzzle pieces in my head back together. What a way to push through emotions and save a $25 co-pay to a therapist that claims they know you but in reality has no clue as to who you really are.
Half way home, my mind is swirling. I am thinking time is not promised. It’s just not. There are no guarantees. The only guarantee is that there is no guarantee. Then the overthinking and my famous “What if?” scenarios start. What if I don’t get to where I want to be goal wise? What if something happens to me and I haven’t set up Jake’s future plans yet? What if I don’t tell Julia I love her enough? What if I don’t get to develop that show I wanted to write? My mind was in overdrive. I have a friend who taught me to breathe and think. Really think. Three deep breaths in. It was working. I was not going to jump on the victim train and be transported to the land of despair where people throw their hands up and say “I suck. Whoa is me.” No. Instead, I thought of talking to my friend Scott. He had said that morning “Be a warrior.”. The clouds cleared (literally cleared – it had been raining for days). New thoughts were piped in. I took control and thought, we have to make do with what we have right here. Right now.
By 7:30 I was on the couch texting my gym group and waiting for “American Idol” to come on. Decompressing to a guilty pleasure. I looked around the room. Pictures of the kids. Medals. Awards. Pillows. Blankets. My gym headbands. A blown up picture of me jumping fire at my first solo race. I saw my life – the one I created on my own. I am quite sure I am not living the life my parents wanted me to live or expected me to live. I used to struggle with that notion but in the past four years, I have come to realize that I just don’t care. Now understand there is the old me who just followed the path living that life that I believed – past tense – believed I should be living based on what others thought I should be doing. Those days are over. Over. If people cannot handle it well then that is their business and prerogative.
Sunday was a little wakeup call and hip check sent to remind me that life truly is good. I have to embrace those around me and remember that they are all placed here with purpose to help me live my best life. I think the minute I lose sight of this I will be lost. So I will continue to look in the rearview mirror and smile. Happy tears are welcomed as I follow the navigation on my screen. I will get to where I want to be if I continue to be honest with myself and strong. This courage will allow me to be as my fave author Nora Ephron says “the heroine in my own life, not the victim”. Only then will I have “reached my destination.”
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